So I'm going to finish up my earlier posts Mitch Hedberg Quotes #2 and Mitch Hedberg Quotes #1. No more explaining necessary.
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
Listerine hurts, man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.
Xylophone is spelled with an X, that's wrong, xylophone's zzzz, X? I don't fuckin' see it. It should be a Z up front, next time you have to spell xylophone, use a Z. When someone says, "Hey that's wrong," say, "No it ain't. If you think that's wrong, you need to get your head Z-rayed." It's like X wasn't given enough to do, so they had to promise it more. Okay, you don't start a lot of words, but we'll give you a co-starring role in tic-tac-toe. And you will be acquainted with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing Christmas easier. And incidentally, you will start xylophone. Are you happy, you fuckin' X?!
Alright, sorry guys.. You my be sick of it.. but let me know.. one more?