Saturday, September 25, 2010

Oscar Wilde Quotes

Just a couple of my favorite Oscar Wilde Quotes. Feel free to add your own.

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

 I am not young enough to know everything.

It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Steven Wright Quotes

By popular demand, okay it was only tienstormirk.. Steven Wright Quotes

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

let me know what you what..

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Mitch Hedberg Quotes #5

I don't care.. I'm going another round.

I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said "Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!"

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You fuckers are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes.

If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.

They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's gotta be the biggest practical joke from God.

If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- "sure man no problem-- tell your friends"--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread....You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between ME and toast."

Mitch Hedberg Quotes #4

Okay, okay.. I promise this will be the last one. Seriously.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. (stolen by Justin Bieber on his twitter)

This 'Improv' sign is all over, all the improvs have it, and in Tempe, Arizona, the sign is made out of gold. I swear to God. And the dude wasn't gonna pay me, so I stole the 'M', 'cause the 'M' seems like it weighs the most. Followed by the 'R'. Then the 'P'. The 'P' was one little thing away from being as heavy as the 'R'. So I had a gold 'M', and I asked the guy if he'd like to buy a Gold 'M'. He said "No, what the fuck do I want a gold 'M' for?" "Well how 'bout a gold 'W'?" {pause for laughter} I had a bad set here last night, and they added an 'E' to the end of the sign.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the fuck 'Soup From Now On' is.

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, fuck, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know what H stands for now! C obviously stands for "cold." H must stand for, "Ha Ha Dude! You thought this shit was hot, but it is not! Now go spread some germs!"

Can't get enough? Check out #1 #2 and #3

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Mitch Hedberg Quotes #3

So I'm going to finish up my earlier posts Mitch Hedberg Quotes #2 and Mitch Hedberg Quotes #1. No more explaining necessary.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

Listerine hurts, man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.

Xylophone is spelled with an X, that's wrong, xylophone's zzzz, X? I don't fuckin' see it. It should be a Z up front, next time you have to spell xylophone, use a Z. When someone says, "Hey that's wrong," say, "No it ain't. If you think that's wrong, you need to get your head Z-rayed." It's like X wasn't given enough to do, so they had to promise it more. Okay, you don't start a lot of words, but we'll give you a co-starring role in tic-tac-toe. And you will be acquainted with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing Christmas easier. And incidentally, you will start xylophone. Are you happy, you fuckin' X?!

Alright, sorry guys..  You my be sick of it.. but let me know.. one more?

Mitch Hedberg Quotes #2

For the original post go to: Mitch Hedberg Quotes #1

This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? "

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.

So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin' ass.

I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit

I think they could take Sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "Damn, remember Sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!" They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song: "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a... bun." How's a Sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical! There's got to be some Sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the Sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular." What does a Sesame seed grow into? I don't know; we never gave them a chance! What the fuck is a Sesame? It's a street! It's a open shit!

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says, “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”

 This is going to be a three-part blog!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Since my last post was such a success I thought I'd share some more quotes with you all
This is a hero of mine, the late Mitch Hedberg.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together!"

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?

When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.

his is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.

 After compiling this list I've decided this is going to be a two part blog! Keep in touch!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

My Favorite Dr. Suess Quotes

I've compiled a list of my favorite Dr. Suess quotes I thought I would share with you all.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." 
"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."  

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You." 
"Being crazy isn't enough."  

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."
"Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope."  

"Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them." 
For more Dr. Suess quotes i suggest Good Reads.

Saturday, September 18, 2010


Today I discovered Anki.. an extremely helpful open source program for flashcards. Anki is available for Windows, Mac, Linux, FreeBSD, and the iPhone.. You can even run the program off of a flash drive. Share a computer? Only have access to public computers? Not to worry, you can also run the program directly off of the website. Anki allows you to sync your decks of review cards across multiple computers.. or split up a deck between multiple students. The program comes preloaded with thousands of review cards arranged by subject matter, or you could upload your own. Overall Anki is a necessary tool for any students trying to; learn a language, practice for medical or judicial reviews, learn an instrument, or any matter that requires intense amounts of memorization.

Sunday, September 12, 2010